Kylie Gwynne and Annette Cairnduff on their wedding day last week.

I got married last week.

We had a quiet wedding in the beautiful garden of some very dear friends in the town I grew up in.

I married someone I love and have loved for sometime now.

My mother-in-law flew down to see her only daughter married.

My Dad made a speech, my siblings and our friends cried and laughed.

We expressed love, proclaimed commitment, promised to respect, care for and laugh with each other for the rest of our lives.

Like all weddings it was a joyful but also solemn occasion.

Like many couples these days we have done it ‘the wrong way round.’

We are already raising two beautiful boys, have celebrated and supported each other through happy and sad events and have a giant Sydney mortgage.

KGwynne ACairnduff350
The difference is, I couldn’t get married before last week and now our marriage has been annulled against our choosing.

Luckily you can’t legislate love, or commitment for that matter.

We have been in this relationship for over eleven years.

We have put in place every legal protection we can to ensure the security of our children and reflect the role we play in each other’s lives.

But it is not these things that hold us together.

We have a shared history and commitment to our family that forms the basis of our individual and joined lives.

I fell in love with Kylie easily, she is smart and sassy and oozes positivity and kindness.

She is quick to laugh and loyal to a fault. She moves mountains to support the people that she cares about.

I love her for all these things and despite the fact she is also the person who shoves things willy-nilly in my newly sorted out cupboards.

We always said that we would get married if and when the legislation changed.

It felt like the right thing to do.

When the moment came last month it was Kylie (who is generally a shocker with details) who got the paper work started, set a date and found a celebrant.

Our boys were keen too, in fact our eldest has been lobbying for us to go to New Zealand since the legislation changed there.

But we knew there was a High Court challenge looming and so we did little other planning.

When the ruling came through that meant that five days of marriages were possible and our date was within that, it seemed like it was meant to be.

In the days leading up to it we were stunned by the warmth that we encountered; flowers, gifts and cards arrived at home, people dropped work and other life commitments, drove great distances and generally put themselves out to be at our wedding.

Those who loved us most clearly understood that we (who generally take a planned and rather gentle approach to our family life) wanted to grab this moment with them.

In my mind if I think back to last Wednesday I see Kylie with her big blue eyes shining with love and tears.

I see my teenage son making a funny and loving speech about our relationship and our family.

I see my six year old walking his three-year old cousin up the path to receive his ‘marriage necklace’ and the smiles of our friends and family.

There was also quite a bit of happy crying.

In fact a friend’s child asked if they had travelled all the way to Canberra and back in a day just to see ‘grown ladies crying.’

I was in the car when I heard that the High Court had ruled our marriage invalid and I shed a few tears then too.

I understand the practicality of it in terms of legislation and believe it is another step to the inevitable marriage equality that will come. Emotionally it was still a blow.

Marriage, like all institutions, has and must continue to evolve if it is to remain relevant and valued by our community.

None of the brides I have known have felt they were being passed from father to husband.

This is not what marriage means any longer.

For the life of me I can’t understand how my marriage impacts on anyone else’s.

Though a dear friend did say that she felt a bit more married after being at our wedding, perhaps due to all the love in the room.

I find myself at the end of this week awash with many emotions.

We were both taken back with the depth and intensity of the feelings that came with publicly declaring our long held love and commitment.

The act of getting married, and perhaps even having it forcibly annulled, has strengthened our relationship.

I feel like I will always have a special connection to the people who were there last Wednesday.

I overheard my teenager talking it over with his mates the other night.

‘Your parents’ okay?’ one asked. ‘Yeah’ he said, ‘we had a really happy day and no one can take that away from us.’

Author: Annette Cairnduff
Publication: DAILYLIFE
Date: 17 December 2013
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